


say you love me

by kuroosexual



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, KageHina - Freeform, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-11-28 21:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11426406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuroosexual/pseuds/kuroosexual
Summary: "He couldn't bear to see those large, brown eyes staring at him, that fluffy, messy mop of orange hair. His dejected expression whenever he complained about failing all his quizzes, and Tobio did too, but he was too prideful to say that. His short but incredibly cute stature, his thin hands, his burning desire to improve, to make everyone proud. His lips, plump and soft and pink, pursed whenever he was in deep thought.Tobio feared the unknown, always sticking to what he knew. He guessed that the gods had different plans for him, because at the ripe age of 16, Kageyama Tobio fell in love.And he couldn't have been more terrified."





	say you love me

Kids were laughing and talking outside on the playground, jumping around and enjoying their short-lived youth - sliding and swinging, playing in the sand - anything you could think of, really. Sounds of running, of giggling, of joy and happiness rang across the campus, the teacher standing outside, leaning against the red brick wall, her eyes cheery and her mouth formed into a soft smile as she watched the kids play around. However, there was still one that was detached from the rest; sitting, curled up in a ball inside the classroom as his hair drooped around him, his eyes staring outside the window.

"Tobio-chan, you should go join the other kids," the teacher cooed, coming inside leaning down to face Tobio. "I know you don't get along with them, but you should try a bit harder, okay? I believe in you."

 

_"He can't do anything."_

_"He just sits by himself all day, drinking that stupid milk. He's getting taller, all right, but he's still mean as always. No one even likes him."_

Middle school hadn't been any better. He tried to take on a sport to get his mind off his abysmal grades, his nonexistent relationships - but it seemed that even on the court, he was disliked. Why couldn't he do anything right? Even volleyball, a sport that he genuinely liked, was frowning upon him. He could feel the stares of his teammates, looking, staring, _always judging_.

He stayed after school often. Staring at the blank walls, filled with dust, leaning against them with his hands wrapped around his knees as he once did. Tossing the volleyball, heavy in his hands, up and down with his long, gentle fingers; sometimes, even when the sun was setting in the distance, you could hear faint tapping inside the volleyball court.

Tobio dedicated his entire life to volleyball. and over the months, he improved more and more - although his teammates still looked at him with malice and distaste in their eyes, whether it was from jealousy or general hatred, he didn't know. He got angry. He started yelling at his team. They were all terrible and couldn't catch up to his movements. After months of training by himself, it should only be fair that his team improved along with him. As a setter, you couldn't do plays all by yourself. You always needed a spiker. 

It seemed that, for now, there wasn't anyone that could keep up with him and his obnoxiously quick tosses. No one understood him. No one cared.

_"We're not going to follow you anymore."_

Tobio's starting to think that no one ever will.

 

It was the end of middle school when he first met him.

Hinata Shouyou, people said. He was bright, radiant - his smile could cure cancer and his hair, although awfully messy, was endearing and incredibly fluffy. His team wasn't exactly top-notch, but his passion, his joy for volleyball was amazing. He was especially short, for someone who was just about to advance on to his freshmen year, but he definitely made up for it with his jumping power and outlandishly quick reflexes.

Tobio stared at him - not out of hostility, but of interest. He had raw talent, that much anyone could tell, but he was wasting it. 

But even as the last spike went down, guaranteeing victory for Tobio's team, he didn't feel victorious. He didn't feel happy, or elated, or even just a tiny shred of excitement. What was wrong with him? 

He watched Hinata walk over to his teammates, most of them tired and disappointed, but Hinata's face still shone with happiness and enthusiasm, even through the appalling defeat. He really was a ray of sunshine, cheering everyone on, giving people confidence and hope, even when all of your walls and spirit were broken. He really deserved to be captain.

"The King," was what people called Tobio. Not because he was good at volleyball, although many did think that - it was because of his tendency to rule, his anger, his atrocious, non-existant charisma.

Tobio's walls were tall and strong, but the more improvements were made to it, the more he feels like he will suffocate.

_"Kageyama's actually really good, but nobody likes him. He could be on the national level if he wasn't always so stuck up and full of himself."_

Tobio was used to the insults. It was like he had a shield, blocking him from the hordes of arrows aimed at him, taunting, insulting, shaming. Although, as the years passed by, he felt it getting rusty and fragile, and maybe it would break any second.

But there was no one there to help mend it for him.

 

They met again in high school, Hinata still sporting his obnoxious hairstyle and bubbly personality.

The gym was lonely. After all, it was particularly early in the morning, and he doubted anyone would be here. No one was, anyways. Tobio chased away everyone within sight, just with his stare. He didn't want to be feared, or hated - he wanted to make friends, he wanted to be nice to others, to actually have a place in society.

So, he went to Karasuno, where he was almost certain no one would recognize him. He never applied to any other school.

But the universe decided to kill his dreams of starting anew, placing the orange-haired midget in Karasuno, too.

"Why are you here?" he asked, his face contorted, looking suspiciously at Tobio.

"I go here. Who are you?" Tobio responded curtly. He remembers Hinata. How could he not? Just looking at him was enough; he literally emanated energy and happiness. Maybe, just maybe, a speck of Hinata's cheery personality, no matter how small, would rub onto Tobio.

"I'm Hinata Shouyou. And I'm going to beat you one day! Just wait!"

Tobio smiled, the most genuine one he's given in years. "I look forward to it."

 

"Toss to me!"

"I only toss to people who I think are essential to winning. Right now, you aren't."

Hinata had been the only person he wasn't able to push away. He always came back, asking for attention, still greeting Tobio with the same enthusiasm, almost acting as if they were friends. They weren't friends. Tobio didn't deserve Hinata as a friend. He insulted him, hurt him, almost punched him, even - but Hinata wasn't one to keep grudges, always coming back to his side and ranting about whatever was on his mind, even when it was about whether he thought butterflies had feelings or not.

Sometimes Hinata clinged to his backpack when he was scared. Sometimes they would talk until the sun went down, practicing serves and receives and spikes in the empty volleyball court, two pairs of sneakers squeaking against the wood. Sometimes, he felt the thumping of his heart, the tingles in his stomach whenever they were together, eating lunch below the large maple tree on campus.

Tobio didn't mind.

 

_"Suga, I don't know what's happening. Seriously, I think I have an allergic reaction to him. I don't have any allergies, but I think maybe I've recently developed one? I don't know!"_

_"Kageyama." Suga replied softly. "Honey, I think you have-"_

_"No!" Tobio yelled instantaneously. "I don't have a crush on the dumbass. Why would I? Plus, we barely even talk."_

_"Alright, if you say so. Just... don't keep your feelings bottled up, okay? Plus, I think he likes you back, from the way he looks at you. Just give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?" Suga asked, completely disregarding his last statement._

_Tobio didn't have the heart to tell him that speaking his emotions was already the worst that could happen._

 

He skipped practice for the 5th time this week. It wasn't that he wasn't interested in volleyball anymore, it was that he was scared of going. Of seeing everyone again. Of seeing  _Hinata._

He couldn't bear to see those large, brown eyes staring at him, that fluffy, messy mop of orange hair. His dejected expression whenever he complained about failing all his quizzes, and Tobio did too, but he was too prideful to say that. His short but incredibly cute stature, his thin hands, his burning desire to improve, to make everyone proud. His lips, plump and soft and pink, pursed whenever he was in deep thought.

Tobio feared the unknown, always sticking to what he knew. He guessed that the gods had different plans for him, because at the ripe age of 16, Kageyama Tobio fell in love.

And he couldn't have been more terrified.

 

Tobio didn't feel much emotion anymore. Did he ever?

He couldn't seem to feel happy, content, or anything at all, whether it be positive or negative. He's not depressed, he knows he isn't. Or, at least, he convinced himself that he wasn't. He doesn't want to suicide or anything like that, he just can't seem to _feel._

So he relied on other methods. 

He always wore his black Karasuno jacket, his hands curled into a fist, hiding behind the long, lanky sleeves. 

Tobio carried a small, sharpened blade in his pocket at all times, sliding it across his upper arms, his hips, his thighs, whenever he felt the overwhelming need for it. He always avoided the wrist area - it was too noticeable and people would catch on much faster. He never cut deep, just enough to draw blood.  _It's not a problem,_ he constantly reminds himself. 

Concealer has really become the bane of Tobio's existence nowadays, and it was extremely useful, although costly - covering up the long, red cuts decorating parts of his body.

He doesn't do it for the pain. He does it so he could feel the adrenaline pumping through his body, reducing his stress and anxiety. The pain is just a side effect, one that he was definitely okay with.

But ever since Hinata showed up, everything that he wasn't able to feel before all came rushing at full speed, and he was feeling nothing and too much all at once.

He started cutting deeper and deeper, and now, it wasn't to feel. Really, it was the opposite; it was to stop feeling whatever he did, because it was wrong, it definitely was, wasn't it?

Sometimes it didn't work. He wishes that he could go back to the good old days, not feeling anything at all.

For the first time in his life, Tobio felt _alive._

 

His mother wasn't home. She never was, these days - she's been on long business trips and only sending home enough money so Tobio could survive on his own.

So, he was incredibly surprised when he heard knocking at the door, firm and quick - they wouldn't stop. 

He didn't want to get out of his bed. It was his comfort zone. It was the place where he could curl up, wrapped in soft blankets, being free with all of the problems life threw at him, closing his eyes and sleeping for what felt like an eternity. It was his only respite from reality.

With a sigh, he got up, sullenly walking towards the door and opening it. 

"Kageyama! Where have you been?" Shouyou screamed, letting himself in and deciding to sit on their large, teal couch. It used to be loved, with weekly family movie nights and cuddles and blissful chatting; obviously, it didn't happen anymore. 

_Oh. It's you._

He should be running away, shouldn't he? It's his house, but he could leave whenever he wanted. He should just bolt out right this instant, swinging open the old birch door, a sound of an aggressive creak following him, never looking back.

So why wasn't his feet moving?

"Everyone's worried about you, Bakageyama! No one knows where you've been and we've been wanting to talk to you, but you keep skipping practice and every day after school, you just disappear and none of us can find you! And you don't sit with me anymore at lunch, either!"

"I..." Tobio responded feebly, not really knowing what to say. 

"Is it something I did? I'm sorry, okay? I know I can be stupid sometimes and annoying and terrible and-"

"Stop," Kageyama ordered, his voice slightly quivering. "Please. You're not any of those things, and I'm not mad at you. It's just... I'd just like to be alone for a while, what's wrong with that? I'm just trying to sort my life out and get everything in order and I just want to be alone, okay?"

"Tobio..." 

"Don't call me that." Kageyama muttered, staring down at him with his usual malicious glare. He didn't mean his glares, he never did. But sometimes, it was the best way to get someone to leave.

"There's something wrong, isn't it? What's wrong? You know you can tell me anything, right?" Hinata said, looking up with expecting eyes.

"There's nothing wrong. Tell everyone that there's nothing wrong."

"Kageyama, everyone can tell that there's been something wrong with you. You're sad all the time. You don't come to practice. You're spacey and your eyes are hollow. I've been- I mean, we've been meaning to talk to you a long time ago. You're not happy. What aren't you telling us?"

"What do you not understand about  _leave me the fuck alone?"_ Kageyama hissed. "Stop making it seem like I'm a small toy that needs fixing. I don't want you to pity me, too. Just leave, will you?"

Hinata looks as though he will cry, and Kageyama thinks that maybe he would, too. "I don't pity you. I never will. I care about you, Kageyama, can't you realize that? Everyone does. We want to help, we really do - but you never tell us anything!"

Tobio shook his fists, clenching his teeth. Tears streamed out of his eyes, fast and smooth, cascading down his face; he doesn't care. "Why do I need to tell you anything? Don't you think I'm trying to get better? Do you think I like being like this, being sad and miserable all the time, because I'm just a _fucking_ masochist or whatever? Have you ever thought about what I feel?"

"Kageyama..." Hinata whispered, advancing towards Tobio slowly, hugging him gently around the waist. "Please don't cry. Of course I think about how you feel, that's why I'm here right now."

The setter paused, pushing Shouyou away out of instinct, although he would really like the contact at this moment. He collapsed onto the couch, curling into a ball, his hands wrapped around his knees, just like he did when he was younger. " I just... don't know. Everyone hates me. I'm scared that you'll all hate me too, when the time comes."

Hinata smiled, laying down on the couch, his legs outstretched and his head resting on Tobio's shoulder, his touch warm and loving. "We would never hate you. Come to practice tomorrow. We haven't been doing anything because we're so worried."

"I- I'm scared to go back." 

"Please, Kageyama-kun," Hinata said, emphasizing the honorific. "It's okay if you don't stay long. You don't even have to practice. Just come so that the team can see you're alright."

Tobio sighed, scratching his head. "Okay. I'll... think about it."

"Thanks."

They sat in silence for a while, until the faint sound of snoring was heard from Kageyama. Hinata jumped up quietly to grab a blanket laying on the side, covering them both, being quiet not to wake him up. 

"I love you," Hinata whispered, as he curled up next to Kageyama.

Tobio didn't hear him.

 

Kageyama went back to practice the next day, after much convincing from Hinata. It couldn't be too bad, right? _Hopefully_ , he thought.

Honestly, he was quite embarrassed to go back after missing almost 3 weeks of practice - they would be mad at him, wouldn't they? What if they hated him for being selfish to take time off? What if they kicked him out?

_"Don't worry so much, Kageyama-kun. Remember, they're all your teammates and they all love you!"_

Tobio sighs, walking towards the large gym, his uniform in hand. He was nervous, although extremely relieved. His life would become normal again, after this. Practice is a part of his daily routine by now, and missing it for so long almost made his heart ache. To go back to the court, feeling the curvature of the volleyball around his fingers, the tranquil ambiance of the gym, the loud, encouraging cheers of his teammates, reminding them to try harder, to not fret when they failed - it was all flooding back to him now, as he his feet dragged him step by step to the open gym doors, his heart heavy but curious.

All heads turned to him as he walked in, the indifferent stares turning into soft smiles. None of his teammates questioned him about his disappearance, instead welcoming him back with firm pats on the back, delighted screams, and a lot of warm hugs, especially from the little middle blocker.

Shouyou opens his arms, running towards Tobio with a shit-eating grin on his face, and Tobio doesn't hesitate to lean into the touch. His small frame was so familiar to Kageyama, and although he would never admit it, he feels safe in his arms - hearing Hinata's firm, steady heartbeats against his own, having his arms wrapped around Shouyou's dainty arms, small but filled with muscle.

"Back from your vacation, king?" Tsukishima teased, sporting his usual mocking tone. 

Before Tobio can answer, Suga walks over, placing his elbow on the setter's shoulder, smiling genuinely. "Don't listen to him. He's been just as worried as the rest of us. Weren't you, Tsukishima?"

"Tch," he answered, shrugging his shoulders. "I was just annoyed we didn't get to practice as much."

"Anyways!" Daichi yelled, his deep voice echoing across the court. "Since Kageyama's back,  let's start practice as usual again! Everyone, change into your uniforms!"

Everyone shuffled into the locker rooms, chatting and laughing like it was any other day; Tobio was thankful for that. It was nothing special, really, but the meticulous organization of the dull grey lockers and the familiar sounds of chatter put Kageyama at ease.

He smiled, taking off his jacket and t-shirt in one rapid swoop, putting on his volleyball jersey. He stopped suddenly when he heard the bickering in the room quiet down; everyone was staring at him.

 _What happened?_ Tobio thought, completely confused.  _Did I do something? Am I wearing the wrong jersey?_

"...what?" Kageyama asked.  _No, I'm definitely wearing the correct jersey. It's not wrinkled or anything._

"Hey, Kageyama?" Daichi said, walking up to him slowly. "Can you, um... lift up your shirt?"

Tobio's mind frantically panics that maybe the team knows something about his cuts, but obviously they don't, since he puts so much effort and care into hiding it every morning, always applying a generous amount of concealer. So of course they wouldn't know, but why does he have such a bad feeling about this.

 _Oh,_ he suddenly remembers. _Shit. Of course, the first day I'm comfortable enough to come back to practice, I forget about the concealer. Gosh, I really am pathetic, aren't I?_

"I..." Tobio responds, suddenly frozen. _The team definitely ha_ _tes me now, don't they? Leave it up to me to mess everything up._

He didn't know what to say, or even what to do. So, Kageyama did what he did best. 

He ran. Away from the gym, away from the campus, throwing his backpack on the ground as he bolted out of school, immediately jumping on his bike, never looking back. Tears streamed down his face, but he promptly ignored them and biked all the way home - if he could even call it that.

_I don't have anyone to blame but myself._

 

Hinata stopped Tobio in the hallways after class, his face solemn and serious. "We're not mad at you," he said."We just want to talk."

Kageyama shook his head fervently, but Hinata dragged him to the clubroom anyways, his arms straining. 

"You should've come to us," Suga said softly.

Everyone pulled him in for a hug after that, despite Tobio's flinching. They didn't do much that day, mostly telling Tobio that it'd be alright and he could come to them whenever he needed.

_"We care about you."_

_"Please, Kageyama. We don't want you to get hurt."_

_"Tch. Sorry I teased you all the time."_

_"Tsukki! You said something nice!"_

_"SHUT UP!"_

_"Is anyone bullying you? I'll beat them up!"_

_"Me too!"_

_"Kageyama... I'm glad you're alright."_

Tobio smiles, his feet crossed. He was glad, elated even - that he had such a caring group of friends, one that he knew he could go to whenever he had a problem.

Maybe things wouldn't exactly go back to normal, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

 

**__________________________**

"Will you go out with me?" Hinata showed up at Kageyama's house one day, holding half-squished flowers and a dirty apology letter. "Sorry. I accidentally dropped it in the dirt while biking here - it's okay, you probably wouldn't have been able to read it anyways."

Kageyama smiled genuinely, his voice becoming soft. "Sure, dumbass." He made the right decision, right? Of course he did. He liked Hinata, and really, it was quite a miracle that he liked him back. 

Hinata sighed a puff of relief, running inside and hugging Kageyama abruptly. "I was worried you would say no."

"I would never," Tobio answered. It wasn't a lie.

 

"So, um... we've been dating since last week!" Hinata said to the team, holding onto Kageyama's hand firmly. They were incredibly worried about telling the team, especially since they might not accept them as a couple. But they convinced themselves that the team was all very accepting and would probably support them. Even Tsukishima.

"We know, Hinata," Suga said, smiling and laughing. "I'm glad you're together now." He turns to face the rest of the team, who were all groaning. "Fork over the money, please." 

"You guys were placing bets on us?" Kageyama asked, his mouth open in disbelief.

"Gosh, you two are the most oblivious people I have ever met," Nishinoya said teasingly, grinning. "Aoba Johsai and Nekoma even got in on it. Honestly, we assumed you would realize it quicker."

"Suga-san wins the bet, so he gets $200, and that's only including Karasuno," Yamaguchi piped up, looking a little dejected himself. "Anyways, I'm happy for both of you!"

"What are you going to do with the money?" Daichi asked, putting an arm around Suga. "You know, my volleyball shoes are getting a little bit worn out, and I would _love_ if you-"

"No can do, Daichi," Suga responds, chuckling. "I'm donating all of my winnings to the Red Cross."

Asahi sighs. "Of course you are."

Hinata and Kageyama looked at each other, their eyes softening as they sighed in relief. What was they even worrying about? Tobio wrapped his arms around Hinata's shoulders, pulling him in for a firm embrace, his face resting across the top of Shouyou's head.

 _Click. "_ That one's going in the family album," Tanaka shouted, phone in hand.

Daichi shook his head. "We don't have a family album."

"Well, maybe we should make one!"

 

Everything was going well, in Kageyama's opinion. They've been dating for just over a month now, and anyone who had eyes could see that Tobio's been happier ever since Hinata came along. Even the incident at the locker rooms; he didn't even pay it too much thought, as Hinata was always beside him, comforting him.

But Kageyama still worries. He worries that maybe, in due time, Tobio's destructive and miserable nature would harm Hinata. 

Sometimes, he's afraid that Hinata wouldn't like him anymore.

It's quickly dispersed, however, as Shouyou noticed him silently panicking, dropping his pencil and reaching over to give him a short, chaste kiss, his small, dainty hands brushing over Tobio's hair gently, and Kageyama melts into the touch because this boy just has so much power over him.

"You wanna go out and buy some pork buns?" Hinata suggests.

"Dumbass," Kageyama responds jokingly, never really meaning his emotionless insults."You're here because we're supposed to be working on the science project, remember? It's due tomorrow.

Hinata shrugs, chuckling, curling up in Tobio's lap. "But we both know that however hard we tried, we would get a failing grade anyways." Hinata nuzzled into his stomach, and Kageyama sighs, patting his unruly, orange hair with soft, gentle motions. "So why bother? Let's go get some pork buns, please?"

"Okay," Tobio replies - was there any doubt in any of their minds that he would refuse? He leans down, kissing Hinata with short pecks, teasing him, earning a quiet giggle from the middle blocker. Hinata rearranged them so that Kageyama was lying down, with Hinata himself over him, kissing him with fiery, hot passion. Tobio blushed furiously, leaning into the touch, his eyes slowly closing. They pulled away ever so silently, but only for a millisecond to catch their breath before their lips pressed together again, both of their hearts beating wildly inside their chests.

Hinata's hands slips down the smooth curve of Tobio's sides, resting there as they kissed. The world around them disappears - the white walls of Tobio's bedroom, his stack of mangas, a worn out volleyball sitting at the corner of his room - it all becomes void as they lose themselves in each other's lips. 

Shouyou feels a bit more brave, sticking out his tongue a bit, and Tobio opens his mouth just slightly, just enough to allow Hinata entry. Kageyama loves the contact, after being deprived from it almost all his life, having someone so close, especially someone he loves with all his heart - it's a wonderful feeling, and he would be happy to stay like this forever, if only he could. 

Tobio gasps as Hinata pulls away, his eyes filled with panic, but his breath is taken away again as he feels Hinata's lips on his skin again, sucking on his neck, biting his soft spot. Kageyama moans involuntarily; oh gosh, this is definitely going to bruise, isn't it? Hinata makes his way down the setter's well formed chest, lifting up his white t-shirt to leave purple love bites across his stomach.

Hinata's the first to pull away, leaving Tobio in a frenzy, his heart going a thousand miles an hour. Both of them are blushing a deep scarlet, not making eye contact with each other. Kageyama frowns - he didn't want it to end, ever. 

They've never had a kiss so long, so passionate; it was always light pecks that only lasted about half a second long - but this was new for Kageyama, and his heart feels like it's going to burst.

Tobio doesn't think he's going to be able to fall asleep tonight.

"So... pork buns, then?" Hinata smiles happily, laying down to be next to Kageyama, wrapping his hands around his shoulders.

"Yep," Kageyama responds lazily, his words having no meaning.

"Yep," Hinata echos.

"Shall we go then?"

"Yeah."

None of them move.

"I love you," Hinata offers, snuggling a little closer.

"I- I love you too, dumbass Hinata."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> heyo! i hope you enjoyed.  
> it's my first time writing a one-shot, so i hope it's not too bad xD  
> i love constructive critisism; it helps me improve my writing! if you have any to give, please leave it in the comments below!  
> leave kudos to receive an imaginary gluten-free chocolate chip cookie!
> 
> p.s. i have never written a kissing scene before. if you're wondering why the kiss was so bad, that's why.


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